Raising Sons of Color Across Asia
In 2016, Ryan Haynes wrote a deeply personal piece for The Black Expat reflecting on raising two young sons of color abroad. Ryan and his wife Eleanor have raised their two biracial sons entirely outside the United States since 2002, moving between Bangkok, Taipei, and Muscat, Oman. Both boys were born in Thailand and have spent their entire lives as American citizens who have never lived in America.
This conversation catches up with Ryan four years later, with his older son Miles approaching college and the murder of George Floyd reshaping conversations in households everywhere — including one 8,000 miles from Minneapolis.
Having "The Talk" as an Expat Family
Ryan doesn’t soften what it took to raise Black sons abroad. When choosing where to work, he and Eleanor have always asked school administrators directly: how would our family be received here? It’s a question he calls simply being “an informed consumer” — treating his sons’ safety with the same seriousness he’d bring to any major decision. He describes having “the talk” with his sons at ages 10 and 8, standing in a department store dressing room shortly after Trayvon Martin’s murder, when his son wanted to buy a hoodie.
The conversation also turns to something less often discussed: what happens when international school students — many of them what Ryan calls “hidden immigrants,” kids who look like everyone around them but don’t share the local culture — leave the relative safety of an international bubble and land in an American college, sometimes experiencing race and minority status for the first time in their lives.
Here are some excerpts from Amanda’s conversation with Ryan. You can listen wherever you get your podcasts. You can can also visit The Black Expat YouTube Channel to listen in.
Excerpt: How His Family Is Received
Well, I always tell my students, you want to be an informed consumer. So when you're moving abroad or just moving in general... That's huge, especially when you're moving internationally, that's enormous, and so I wanna know heads up, “How am I gonna be received by faculty? by my colleagues? How am I gonna be received by my neighbor?” Anytime we've moved. I've always been concerned about how is my family gonna be received” I was talking about that recently, we're having some discussions on race and diversity and inclusion at school, and I said, “Look, as an African-American male, with a mixed race family, that's one of my concerns every time I move is.." So, yeah, I'm blunt. I'm very upfront, I wanna know.
Excerpt: On Raising Biracial Children in Asia
Not as stressful. I don't have to worry as much. Don't get me wrong, I worry. Ever since becoming a father. I'm always thinking about something, and especially raising two young men of color. But we're very blunt with our children, with our boys, I tell them if we were raising you in the States we’d be raising you very differently.
Excerpt: Addressing Diversity Issues in International Schools
Actually, that's something that we're exploring or implementing right now at school. Because this summer, we had so many powerful letters from alumni saying how they were not prepared. Let's be honest, many international schools operate in a bubble, be it in the school environment or the city or what have you. Many of the alums wrote really passionate letters just saying. "Look here's what you need to do…” You need to see the letters. Detailed letters about what we should be doing as educators and with a timeline of when you should be doing it.
To hear the full episode, click below or listen wherever you get your podcasts.
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